SO this weekend was ok....quite busy in a small way. A.k.a not much time for fun. I felt crappy on Saturday and ended up sleeping all day. On Sunday I went to Alyssa's for homework and 'chats'. It was fun. I got to see her in her prom dress. She looked wicked, definatly will be dropping some jaws lol! I thought she wouldn't have picked a more girly dress but she went with something slightly more classy. I also ate lunch at her house: only real importance of this is that her mothers cooking is sooo good! Anyway then we did some homework and while chatting (as usual) then looked up anime online. So eventually I went home and had to cook dinner so I was done eating at near eightish?? That confused me. Anyway I did some homework then went to bed. Of course it allergy season so I am having some breathing issues which sucks. So I ended up getting no sleeps until like the early hours of the morning so overall I got like no sleep :'(. Now I am tired and feeling sick again. What a crappy day. Even the weather is shitty, and its raining :'( x 10. So anyway when I was going to sleep I had this tune that Caroline Dhavernas sings in the Edge of Madness stuck in my head. Luckily I like the tune, and since I do I am going to type it here to end my entry.....: 'My love is like a red, red rose That's newly sprung in June My love is like the melody, That's sweetly play's in tune. As far as thou, my bonnie lass So deep in love am I. And I will you still, my dear Till a'the seas gang dry."
With all this work at school I have already this week, you would think I would be more ampt to do it rather then be reflective, not that it is anything new for me to be doing. I always go off the path and take my own route. I feel in this point in my life I need to start really thinking about what I want to do in the future. I am almost an adult (18 in July, yay!) and in my situation I don't have time to linger back. I have to take full responsibility and earn a living, get a post secondary education and start my own seperate life from the one I have felt trapped in all these years. It will be my time to shine though I feel I will freeze in the unknown, and look like some lost puppy. What do you do when you feel confused in your options? I suppose you just take the better option (which is having my own life) and getting over the fears. I would just like to have a rough sketch of what my path will look like so I know what to expect, but in reality you have to take oneday at a time.
When the Pawn Hits the Conflicts He Thinks Like a King What He Knows Throws the Blows When He Goes to the Fight and He'll Win the Whole Thing 'Fore He Enters the Ring There's No Body to Batter When Your Mind Is Your Might So When You Go Solo, You Hold Your Own Hand and Remember That Depth Is the Greatest of Heights and if You Know Where You Stand, Then You Know Where to Land and if You Fall It Won't Matter, 'Cuz You'll Know That You're Right. -Fiona Apple
It seems that everyday just gets worse and worse but you know you have to be careful of what you write becasue people will read it and may pass it on to others no matter what the secuity level *rolls eyes*. Almost made me feel foolish. ANYWAY, things got worse when I got home, loud music, and overly talkative sister about wanting to make ice cream or something. Anyway now that I have homework and bunch load of other things to do, I should finish.
Ok ANOTHER bad day. Why can't I ever have one complete day where I am happy, with no distress or anger. Like yesterday went well until I got home and of course music was on...but wait it was ok with Kat becasue it was Our Lady Peace. It wasn't that loud, but loud enough to hear in my room fine. Ok seems like everyone is down stairs near me now so I'm done...so much for fucking writing.
Today is a much better day then yesterday, and the day before...well so far. Last night Most Haunted was on. Though it was a repeat (Craig-y-nos, sp?) it made me really happy to watch it. I love the show. Rick was on it to! It was suppose to be an ep. from season 3, one I don't think I've seen, but oh well. I don't mind this one. I want to do a show like it one day, and I suspect I will since I have wanted to for a long time. Maybe in a year or so though because well I have to do my research first. In other news I got an account on deviant art so that I can view my friends are (lyss and ivy) I don't have a scanner so it is pretty pointless for me otherwise. I also have a new avatar, cool huh? I really liked my other one but it was too small. Oh well this one makes my journals a lot more colourful. I can't wait for Anime North now even more,I like Anime, and can't wait to get into it. Plus I am going to Lyss's house later to watch the Notebook which should be wicked. We have been waiting FOREVER to watch it. That wait hasn't been so bad though, not as bad as waiting for Friday to come to watch Most Haunted lol. Oh and CSI was ok this week. I was sooo excited because of the preview, but it wasn't as exciting as I thought it would be. And come on people when will you add more Nick Stokes to the program? Lol, I am done for today.
It is really funny how I was an emotionless person and right am now an emotional wreck. It all happened so fast. The emotions of everything today are so overwhleming that I feel as if I am about to break. I feel that I am falling into a bottomless pit of darkness who cannot be saved. Right now I would kill to be in a warm tranquil forest in the middle of nowhere with no one. To be with no worries and as long as I had what I needed I would be a lot more calm, peaceful, and happy then I am right now.
Today has been by far the most stressful day I have had in my entire high school career. All the assignments I have, the HUGE chance I have of getting below 70% in English, the disapointment my arts going to be. It all adds up, with other foolish things I am not mentioning. It is pathetic. I don't know what the heck I am doing. I am so confused and lost, and have no one there to guide me, and to tell me it is all going to work out. I am in a rut. A really big rut.
Anyway...I still can't stand getting to emotional-letting out emotions has always been against the rules. Exams start on Thursday. I have more then 5 assignments to complete, and why was Jen in our grad photo is she graduated last year? What a bitch....she is taking it away from the Grade 12s. Anyway I am going to do some homework now.....I will hopefully get it done before school tomorrow. Fuck, I feel almost as if I am about to cry. Next semester will be better--it has to be....anyway I will stop babbling and wasting people's time.
Last night just pissed me off. I was sick so I went to bed early. What happens next? Appox. every two hours I was woken up by something pathetic they were doing downstairs. Like loud talking....loud music, and even hitting drums for over f*cking 15 minutes. *Hello! I am trying to sleep*. But ya I don't matter, all three of them were downstairs enjoying themselves. Each time I resulted in putting my music on to drown out the sound. What would I do without Billy Talent, and Fiona Apple? I don't know. I was getting really pissed off though.....funny how before I went to bed they were talking about me moving out this summer, and of course Katherine had to start saying I hated her and all this bullshit putting every problems blame on me...for that I should hate her, and maybe I do. I have no connection with anyof them for the most part. I think that after I leave them I won't keep in contact. It just seems natural that it will happen. I bet mom and rob will get married as well once I am gone. Once I am gone. That is the key. I won't be there to wreck anything since they all hate me pretty much, something about me just annoys them....what did I ever do to piss them off? Nothing....it is an natural hate they have against me. Well at least Rob.....I have communication issues with Mom and Kat apperently. I won't do this bullshit to my children if I ever have any. None of this getting drunk, partying and shit. Thinking I am the absolute superior and everything I do is right...who cares about everybody else in the household right? Fuck that. A thought a family was suppose to be like this unit, that cares and loves on another...I cannot say I have that. Not that there is a problem with that...I actually don't mind. I like being alone. But I hate it when they start that fucking bullshit. I don't even know if I 'love' my family. Half the time I don't honestly care.....and I am always asked if I love my mom....why do you care people? Its none of your business, and if I am emotionless then deal with it. There is nothing wrong with it, seriously. I wish for one day I could wake up and stay happy for more then 5 mintues. Thats right...I am normally optimistc....well usually until I am surrounded by negaitvity and my pesstimestic sister starts talking. Thats what normally wrecks my day though the week. Days like last night make me go on an anger streak. I think I really need to get out. I need a break to see things for myself, without them. I know I am being harsh but who wouldn't be? A lot of people are harsh. Anyway I was reading my Oprah magazine and it was talking about whats going on in the Congo and the Interahamwe attacking people and raping all these women. How can they be allowed to do that? It is a shame that some people there see rape as a bad thing (which it is don't get me wrong) but then pin it on the women, and dis-own them pratically. It is really sad. These women get raped and lose everything. I really don't understand how they can get away with it. Sure it is a difficult situation but I wish there was something I could do to help these women. I don't have enough money for myself so I can't even offer money to support one of these women who desevere another start. I dunno, and I think I got it bad? I am very lucky to live in Canada. A country of peace keepers....I dunno....I might as well end this rant now...